If (Dueling Paranoias) (Lou and Peter Berryman) (He:) I have called to reassure you I will be there in the morning Barring unforeseen disaster on the way. (She:) Let me reassure you too I'll be here waiting all tomorrow Pending fate's unknown vicissitudes today. (He:) If the rust upon the muffler doesn't eat away a strap And send a spray of rusty metal everywhere, Ricocheting off the pavement and into the tank of gasoline Exploding like a rocket I'll be there (She:) If the broken window latches aren't spotted by a criminal Who barges in to steal the chandelier And in passing sees me sleeping and decides he needs a victim Whereupon he hauls me elsewhere I'll be here (He:) If I don't decide to stroll the scenic overlook and slip Upon an apple core and tumble thru the air And upon the rocks below be dashed to pieces in a godforsaken Second like a pumpkin I'll be there (She:) If there aren't any termites excavating the foundation That has served as their nutrition for a year Leaving nothing but a powder that allows the floor to crumble All around me like a cracker I'll be here (He:) If an overeager trooper doesn't pull the Chevy over And inspect it from the engine to the spare And detect some marijuana that the guy who owned the car before Apparently neglected I'll be there (She:) If the ancient water heater doesn't take off like a missile And go flying thru the roof and disappear While leaving gas escaping madly which ignites and burns the termite Weakened superstructure prob'ly I'll be here (Both:) Unless a nuclear facility cracks Unless a saucer of Venusians attacks We'll be together by a reasonable hour And have a glass of milk unless the milk goes sour (He:) If a passing trucker doesn't flip a cigarette that flies Into my window setting fire to my hair Causing me to stop the car and jump into a nearby lake That's full of water snakes that eat me I'll be there (She:) If the cyclone doesn't blow the rotten maple all to bits And send a branch in thru the basement like a spear Where I'm pinned down like a butterfly as water from the broken pipe Comes inching up my mumu I'll be here... Copyright 1993 L&P Berryman. Words by Peter, Music by Lou. PB apr97
Thanks to Mudcat for the Digital Tradition!